I love you Garrison…
by Holly Varni
September 19, 2013


Everyone develops a crush at some point. Mine happens to be more of an obsession. Not to the point where I would stalk this person, but he definitely holds my admiration from a distance. I get excited at the mention of his name. My heart races and I’m filled with a sense of euphoria. What’s even better, is that my husband is ok with it.

Garrison Keillor is the mastermind behind Prairie Home Companion on Public Radio and the fictional happenings of the town of Lake Wobegon. He inspires me. His creativity and uniqueness leave me in awe.

His manner is authentic, while his style is completely original. He’s highly intelligent and possess an air of mystery. His quick wit draws you in, but its his humor that makes me swoon.

I hear that famous voice tell tall tales of small town life that seem so familiar, and the rest of the world goes silent. I remain in a trance until the words, “Where the women are strong, the men are good looking and all the children are above average,” brings me back to reality.

I will be able to tell me grandchildren someday, “I lived in the time of Garrison Keillor.” When they ask me why I like him so much, these are the reasons I’ll give them….


#25.   His baritone voice can sing anything, whether it was intended to be musical or not.

#24.   He is proof that every English major does not end up unemployed.

#23.   He is an expert on Minnesota State Fair food and what is possible to put on a stick.

#22.   He loves poetry and feels it to the depth of his soul. How many men are manly enough to admit that?

#21.   The man’s not afraid of Lutefisk, which suggests a possible hidden superhero power. Not everyone is daring enough to eat the white fish that’s preserved in lye.

#20.   He can recite every county of Minnesota.

#19.   For charity, instead of feeding starving children, he gallantly tries to keep Public Radio from dying.

#18.   He is an amazing storyteller which translates as the world’s best liar.

#17.   His straight-faced, non-emotional, and lack of expression demeanor only make him more endearing to the Lutherans.

#16.   He’s talked about Lake Wobegon for so many years, that both he and his followers are no longer sure that it doesn’t exist.

#15.   Like the best writers, he spends half of his life in an imaginary world.

#14.   He makes the women of the St. Olaf Choir swoon.

#13.   He was raised with true Scandinavian sarcasm and is scarred just like the rest of us.

#12.   His glasses make him look like a college professor. So, if you go for the “intellectual type,” he would be considered a Hottie.

#11.   He would use 50 Shades of Grey to describe his Scandinavian melancholy, which proves he’s Norwegian.

#10.   He has changed the bad reputation that rhubarb had as a bitter garden weed, to a celebrated fruit that’s a stable to the Minnesotan diet.

#9.     He played himself in a movie with Meryl Streep. That’s how truly one of a kind he is. Nobody can even make up a fictional character as interesting as him.

#8.     His cutting humor is so razor sharp that it takes many people a minute or two to process and catch up with him.

#7.     His Lutheran ways. He is self-deprecating enough that he just might make it into heaven.

#6.     There’s a bobble head of Guy Noir. You only get to be a bobble head if you’re really cool.

#5.     His eyebrows fascinate me. Caricatures and coffeehouse conversations should be solely dedicated to them.

#4.     He makes nerdy look good.

#3.     His voice is hypnotic. It’s a bit sad, a little wistful, but something that is so familiar that you can’t stop listening. James Earl Jones has nothing on him. Garrison could have been Mufasa in Lion King.

#2.     In a perfect world, he would set the standard for what should be considered normal, everyone else is just strange.

And the Number One reason I love Garrison Keillor….  (Drum roll, please)

#1.     There is a freakish resemblance between Garrison and my late uncle Harold, thereby allowing me to think we are related.

A wish on my bucket list is to meet Garrison in person. If you have any connections, I will rename one of my children after you if you make it happen.

We all need a dream.